CLEANLINESS FREAKS!

It’s common perception: A bachelor’s pad will be messy. And why not? The concept of cleanliness has been hammered into the chap since he was knee-high to a grasshopper. And ever since, his one ambition in life has been to let loose and not follow the norms laid down. Let’s be clear about it… One of the most-hated phrase/instruction a lad grows up hearing is “Clean your room.” These three words fester in him, to an extent that they can give him the rash. They spell doom. They spell misery. They spell drudgery. They spell an evening of imprisonment. They spell boredom. And most importantly, they spell the beginning of an evening that could have been spent doing things that are far more interesting.
Scientific arguments that messy rooms can lead to a myriad of disease mean absolute bollocks to him. Ergonomic arguments that a clean room means knowing exactly where things are don’t make sense at all. The only “tidy” he’s interested in is the packet he’s going to make at the football game that evening.
Trust me. I speak from experience.
I have never had to look at my room and wonder: “Now where do I start looking for my blue Umbro jacket with the red and white stripes running down the arms?” The moment I look into my room, I know where it is: Under the bed, towards the top left hand corner, behind that pizza carton, and on top of my tennis racquet which has 2 strings missing, which in turn, lies on a cushion made up of my old white socks with the Nike swoosh on them.
It’s simple.
Ok, you can’t find anything if you walk into my room… but maybe that’s the way I want it. If you need something, ask me. And if I want you to have it, I’ll tell you where to look. But don’t you dare walk into my room and try to pick through my stuff on your own… Not only do you end up making a mess of my living space, you screw up my entire life as well.
A bachelor has other things to worry about than a clean room. Sure, when you walk into it, he may be polite and say something along the lines of “Sorry about the mess.” But he’s just being polite.
And he’ll thank you for not shrieking like a banshee, if you enter the room and spy a cockroach talking a stroll. Believe me, he knows the little guy lives there. He may not necessarily be ok with it, but it’s his way of practicing a life where “Live and let Live” is the guiding force. Please remember, the roach has been walking around since before the Dinosaurs walked the Earth. He’s survived meteor showers, two ice ages, 2 world wars, the atomic bomb, the holocaust, the nuclear storm, and is likely to continue on his regular evening tours of the facility long after your bones are excavated and hailed as the biggest archeological find of the millennium. Such a resilient chap deserves to be saluted, not become the subject of your tonsils doing a hearty jig and breaking the sound barrier with their oscillations.
Yes, there are some chaps who live the “clean” life. But they are aberrations… freaks of nature… exceptions that cannot be used as examples. In all probability, they suffer from a mental disorder: maybe they had too many feminine influences during their formative years. Maybe they were the kind that got bullied at school and were told, on pain of death, that fighting back would mean being sent up to bed without dinner. Maybe they were given too much love as a child. Maybe they were not loved enough. Whatever the reason for their quirky behavior, it must be remembered that these specimens don’t belong in the real world, but in a museum, or better still, an insane asylum.
But I digress.
The room that resembles the site of the last War Of The Worlds, is heaven to a bachelor. And that’s the reason that when he finds such a place, he calls it home. And when he gets a pretty girl in there, and persuades her to stay a while, he calls it: “Getting Lucky.”